A Wizard in the Rye
by Edgar Allen Pwnd
Summary: Holden Caulfield's journal of his month at Hogwarts.


A Wizard in the Rye

_September 1_  
If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born and what my lousy muggle childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me and found out I had this magic thing, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. All that matters now is that I'm on a crumby train in Scotland heading for some crumby school for Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hogwarts. You've probably heard of it. They advertise in about a thousand magazines, _The Daily Prophet _and _The Quibbler _and all that. Bunch of photographs of people flying around on brooms playing Quidditch. Like all you were supposed to do at that school was play Quidditch. Goddam.

_September 5  
_ Moved in to Gryffindor tower today. Rooming with a fella named Weasley. The thing is, it's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs - if yours are really _good_ ones and theirs aren't. You think if they're intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do. Weasley's are all banged up and awful, and mine are at least _decent_--you know, the kind of suitcases you can take respectable places. And Weasley's got this lazy bastard of a rat that squeals.

_September 12_  
Hogwarts is full of crooks. Quite a few guys came from these wealthy pureblood families, but it was full of crooks and squibs anyway. The more expensive a school is, the more crooks it has - I'm not kidding. Bunch of goddam phonies. This morning at the house table that lousy Potter kid--Harry or Henry or something--kept on whining about some dark lord and destiny and whatever. People never know when to shut up sometimes.

_September 14  
_I ate a brown bean from a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean cause I thought it was Coke flavored. Turned out it was crap.

_September 18  
_ Girls. You never know what they're going to think. Today I thought I was getting an in with this girl from Ravenclaw--Cho Chang, she's a real looker, you know? I met her at The Three Broomsticks and spent a couple of Sickles on a two butterbeers. We were sitting together, talking, it everything was going smooth, and then all of a sudden she's tearing up and sniveling about some old boyfriend of hers who kicked the bucket last year. I wanted to be sympathetic, to be a stand-up guy and listen to her, but I could barely understand a goddam word she said with that Scottish accent. I must've nodded or something at the wrong time because the next thing I know she's all wobbly-eyed and sobbing and running off to find that Potter guy. Women.

_September 21  
_Lost 50 house points today from that old bastard Snape because my red hunting hat isn't "standard wizarding uniform." Goddam.

_September 24  
_ I was thinking about the great lake on the castle grounds, down near the Forbidden Forest. I was wondering if it would be frozen over when the Christmas holiday came, and if it was, where did the grindylows go? I was wondering where the grindylows went when the lagoon got all icy and frozen over. I wondered if Hagrid came by with a cart and dragged them a zoo or something. Or if they just swam up into the Hogwarts plumbing. Goddam frightening thought, going to answer nature's call and finding a goddam water demon in the john.

_September 26  
_Lately I keep picturing these little kids playing some game in this big field or rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody wizardly, I mean, except me. And a bunch of dementors. What I have to do, I have to summon my patronus around the kids - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and _summon _my _patronus_ and keep the dementors away. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the spellcaster in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy.

_September 28  
_I messed up a stupid transfiguration spell today. Accidentally shot that sonuvabitch Malfoy with my wand and turned him into a ferret. Most of the class laughed, but that kind of phony laughter that you don't really mean. Then that goddam McGonagall was all snippy and docked me 20 points.

_September 30  
_ Left school and went back to London. Got a room at the Leaky Cauldron. I couldn't stand that place with its goddam phonies and its magic and wands. Even though some of it was okay. About all I know is, I sorta _miss_ everybody I told about. Even Potter and Weasley, for instance. I think I even miss that goddam Malfoy. Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody. Even wizards.


End file.
